When you want to change something and know the only way to get it done is to talk to the person involved about it, and yet you feel reluctant to do just that.
Maybe you believe they might think less of you or that you are letting them down in some way if you want to stop doing something you committed yourself to.
Sometimes you can enter into an arrangement with someone and then after some time has passed you realise you don’t want to continue any more. What can you do?
You have to be assertive and get your message over to the other person clearly and let them know exactly what you want or no longer want to do.
Here is how to do it.
Say what you want
Say I want to …..
example: ‘I want to finish work at 5.00 o’clock’ rather than ‘I’m staying too long at work ‘
Don’t accuse the other person
Say ‘When you tell me I have to stay late, instead of asking me first if it’s convenient, I feel very angry’
instead of ‘you are an uncaring selfish person and don’t consider my feelings when you tell me to do all this extra work.’
Don’t get drawn into reasons:
Use the ‘stuck record technique’. This means repeating your answer without answering the feedback.
You say ‘ Sorry I’m not able to do that on Wednesday’
Response ‘ why not? ‘
I’ve arranged to do something else’
‘ You could do that on Thursday’
‘No, I’ve arranged something else on Wednesday so am not able to do that on Wednesday.’
Just keep on repeating your statement. When you star to give reasons the other person may keep coming up with ways those reasons are not a real excuse so eventually you give in and do what you didn’t want to do.
Stick to your boundaries.
Remain clear and focussed on where your boundaries are and if the answer is no, stick with that.
Be assertive rather than aggressive.
When you state your point and stick to it you amy be surprised how quickly it is accepted as the other person realises they can’t mess about with you. No-one likes aggression but being assertive is about being very clear what you want and getting that message over to the other person.
It can lead to more respect ( even if not at first, of you and the way you stick to your principles. Remember, no shouting, no aggression just clear calm statements of what you want and what you will or won’t do.
